Jordan Henderson and Philippe Coutinho Just Stole Your Girl

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I’ve gotta say that if I have to chose 1 as my favorite, it’s going to Henderson and that’s mostly because I didn’t see it coming. Typically when Hendo shoots my immediate reaction is ‘palm to forehead,’ so this was a nice little reward for waking up at 6:45am to catch a footy match.  Let the Hendo/Gerrard comparisons begin!…..Okay maybe not but that was still an absolute snipe.

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Coutinho on the otherhand is absolutely redhot right now and in the form of his life. I honestly don’t know where he pulls the power out of his 5’7″ frame for these golazos, but I’m not going to question it. He has scored 3 belters in the month of February after signing his new contract which puts him at Anfield until 2020. I think that it is safe to say that the Brazilian is happy where he is and that is really shining through in his game. His major drawback since coming over to Anfield 3 years ago was his finishing, and I think its safe to say he’s got a pretty solid handle on that part of his game at the moment.

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A 2-1 win over Manchester City at Anfield to get within 2 points of Champions League qualification? A midweek home game against Burnley? The fuck is going on in Merseyside? I like it.

Live shot of me walking through the doors at the office tomorrow morning:

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FIFA Continues Tradition of Being a Giant Bag of Dicks

BBC – Fifa says it will not pay compensation to clubs and leagues unhappy about plans to play the 2022 Qatar World Cup in November and December. It also said no apology was necessary for the scheduling of the tournament, which will disrupt a number of leagues.

I really don’t have the time today to go on a massive rant, but whatever here goes nothing.

How on Earth could an organization be more corrupt than FIFA? FIFA is literally making Putin blush with this move for the Qatar 2022 World Cup to be held during November and December. It’s only being held IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON FOR ALL OF THE MAJOR DOMESTIC SOCCER LEAGUES IN THE WORLD. Are you kidding me? How is this happening?

I dare you to watch that video without cringing.

The World Cup has always been a summertime refuge for footy fans around the world who are jonesing for some meaningful football in the short, but depressing, league soccer offseasons. The fact that it is going to be held in the footy epicenter known as Qatar is already enough to raise an eyebrow. FIFA received competing bids from the likes of England, Spain, Portugal, Argentina and the USA. Is there even a domestic league in Qatar? I’m sure Ali Camel Leagua is a very entertaining league, but it hardly gives any merit to the football culture in the small Gulf nation. Also, the small issue of the normal temperature in July being over 120 Degrees? No worries, they can play footy in that right? I could go on for days with the whole “World Cup being held in Qatar” thing, but that’s already been laid out for the whole world to see by pundits from around the Globe, and the truth of the matter is simply that Sepp Blatter and co don’t give a fuck what you think.

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The End of an Era

Steven Gerrard kisses the European Cup after leading Liverpool to an incredible victory over Milan17 seasons. 695 total club appearances. 180 club goals. Legend.

Has he lost a step? Yes. Does he fit into the new 5-2-3 system at Anfield? No. Will he be missed? You fuckin’ better believe it. The lad from Merseyside who signed with his boyhood club at age 9 will be exiting just before his 35th birthday. Even though the writing was on the wall after the first few months of this season, it’s still a tough pill to swallow for most LFC fans. He has been operating as a shell of his former self and in my opinion, he hasn’t been able to shake the ghosts from meltdown at the end of the 2013-2014 campaign and the debacle that was the England national team at the 2014 World Cup. Liverpools failure to advance in the Champions League didn’t do him any favors either.

After 17 years, it looks as though he has quite simply run out of gas. Liverpool seem to be gelling and playing better during his spells on the bench and are moving towards a much more fast paced and free flowing style that he cannot keep up with. According to the rumour mill, he is expected to sign a deal with retirement MLS club LA Galaxy which would be a great fit for the aging star.

Please sit back and relax/cry over some of this classic Stevie G goal porn that I dug up on youtube.

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2014/15 English League Championship Roundup

You read that headline correctly, LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP roundup.  None of that lamestream Premier League brainwash you’ve been fed your entire life.  There’s a whole world of professional footy out there that you’re not following enough.  Granted, it’s never on TV (at least in the US), doesn’t make any other headlines, has zero fans (Wealdstone Raider! No idea why this guy is famous), and the quality of football is considerably lower than a handful of other pro leagues, but whatever.  It’s still an exciting league with plenty of story lines and three of these teams will be playing up in your treasured Premier League next season, so pay some god damn attention.

Storyline Number 1: AFC Bournemouth

Have you seen this? Have you heard about this?  (Alright before I get too far into my condescending rant on how you don’t watch the League Championship, I’ll admit I just checked the league table and had neither seen nor heard about this until yesterday.) Regardless!  This is a fascinating story.  AFC Bournemouth were in League One just two seasons ago and are on a meteoric rise to Premier League supremacy.  They got promotion to the Championship in 2012/13 and currently sit on top of the table at just about halfway through the season.  I don’t care if you have no idea what shape a football is (round, not oblong, for the record) this is impressive.

Backed by a Russian mogul, or sorts, this team has climbed the ranks of two league tables in just 3 seasons and are poised to set themselves up for serious contention for promotion come May.  What a story!  You can’t make this stuff up and this is reason #1 to follow the Championship.

But with every Cinderella story there comes a serious challenge (Does there? I’m actually not that familiar with the story of Cinderella).  And the challenge that the Cherries (!) face is the aforementioned Russian mogul.  Assuming you follow international news as closely as you follow the League Championship, I’ll fill you in – Russia ain’t doin so hot.  The rubble is crumbling and inflation is through the roof.  Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov and Chelski owner Roman Abramovich collectively lost £806 million the other week due to Putin’s gross incompetence and small penis.  God knows what the hell AFC Bournemoth’s owner lost in that time but I’m guessing he can’t afford to lose quite that much.  So the future of this south coast club is certainly in question, but I hope that at least no one cashes this guy’s checks for another 6 months and they gain promotion.

Storyline Number 2:  Owners

Segway’ing nicely from AFC Bournemouth’s Russian owner comes a couple other story lines on Championship team owners.

First up, Dave Whelan –

Not touching this with a ten foot pole.

Eerrrrmmm…..

 

 

Second up, Vincent Tan –

Quietly skirting around the issue of us not updating this site in months, I forget exactly where we left off with this clown shoe.  This guy is a colossal doofus and continues to alienate himself from his fans and club, swiftly removing a hundred years of tradition by refusing to change the team colors back to their historic blue because he’s got some fanatical and unfound obsession with red being more globally recognizable.

“After all, the red dragon is the symbol and national flag of Wales.”  Oh!  Well, all is forgotten then, go right ahead.

He does provide some pretty consistent entertainment though, so we don’t hope he goes anywhere any time soon.  He will, however, continue to run the club into the ground and I feel bad for their supporters.

 

Storyline Number 3: Emile Heskey is back!

Once a savior and hero of English football, domestically and internationally, Emile Heskey has signed a short term deal with Bolton.  New manager and former Celtic general Neil Lennon is off to a hot start at Bolton signing the 36 year old (bullshit, has to be at least 40) striker.  Guarantee he suffers a career ending injury before March.

Perfect form

 

That’s all for now.  We’ll check back here in a couple months to see just where AFC Bournemouth actually stand in the table and whether or not Russia is still a functioning country.

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Your EPL Mid Season Roundup

jose bubbleSweet Baby Jesus its been a while! I’m not even going to get into the apologizes and whatnot of explaining why we haven’t been updating the site regularly as of late. We’ve got jobs people; horrible, horrible jobs. That being said, it has been one hell of an entertaining ride so far this season; so lets take a quick look at where we stand. (I’m only going to review the teams that actually matter, if you think I’m going to waste time writing up paragraphs about Burnley, Sunderland, QPR and Hull than you’re fucking crazy.)

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The Top 4:

1.) Chelsea have been absolutely CRUISING so far this season.  There has been only 1 game in 19 where they failed to gain any points. Are you kidding me? Jose and Co are absolutely smashing it and are on pace to end the season with over 100pts. I guess oil, the russian mob, extortion, money can buy you Cesc, Costa, happiness.

2.) Right behind them is Man City. And lets all just say fuck City because who honestly likes this team? I recently saw a guy in New Haven sporting a Man City zipup hoodie and I immediately felt the urge to yank my steering wheel to the right and take him out right there on the sidewalk. The only people who should be fans of City are..

  • 1.) A Sheik
  • 2.) A family member of the Sheik
  • 3.) The Brothers Gallagher
  • 4.) People from the outlined neighborhood below

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3.) The Manchester United revival under Louis Van-Gaal has really chapped my ass and has also been god damn impressive at the same time. I was really enjoying trolling them last season. Live image of abgarner below when he looked at the mid season standings this morning:

4.) And at #4, like always we have Arsena…. Wait What?! South-Mother-Fuckin’ Hampton! “Oh lets sell Adam Lallana, Rickie Lambert, Dejan Lovren and Luke Shaw and see how things pan out…don’t worry we’ll dig up Graziano Pellé from Feyenoord and we’ll be good.” And whelp, it has actually played out pretty well for them so far. Last season they finished 8th with 56pts and 15 wins; and this season they’re on pace for 20 wins, which really chaps my ass because I need Liverpool to surge into the number 4 spot pronto.

Best of the Rest:

-Arsenal. (5th) Oh Arsenal, Arsenal, Arsenal how I hate thee. I think most of my hatred comes out of the fact that BMCadwell and I have played roughly 1,000 games in FIFA from ’12 to ’15 only playing Liverpool vs. Arsenal but thats beside the point. They put together a solid month of December if you don’t put too much stock in that 3-2 loss to Stock earlier in the month. GOOnner fans (mainly Piers Morgan) have been calling for Wenger’s head all season but their form towards the end of the month has been solid; and Sanchez is a god damn beast. They will most likely leapfrog Southampton in January.

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-West Ham, (6th) have absolutely shocked everyone so far this season. They’ve been extremely hot and cold but they have been able to take down the likes of Liverpool and Manchester City which was pretty damn impressive. Would have been really fucking neat if they could have taken out Man City last year but thats a different story. Daifra Sakho has been key in putting this squad  so far up on the table but something tells me this cannot last, mainly the fact that their West Ham and nobody really cares about them…other than Katie Perry; I’d like to blow her bubbles, amirite!?

katy-perry-russell-brand-soccer-team-08_crop_650x440-Tottenham (7th) God writing about the Spurs will make me go insane so I’ll try to keep this brief. They suck. There we go.

-Liverpool (8th) Dear Lord the shit I can write about the first three months of this season. I’m not even going to touch the Champions League debacle that put FC Basel through to the next round instead of Liverpool. LFC have lost to the likes of West Ham, Crystal Palace (Selhurst Park is cursed), Aston Villa and Newcastle; and have had 2 0-0 draws with Hull and Sunderland. You NEED to be taking 3 pts from these fixtures. The combination of losing Suarez, Sturridge being injured, and B Rodge shelling out cash for squids like Lovren and Balotelli have made for a horrible start to the 2014-2015 campaign. There is, however, light at the end of this shit filled tunnel.

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-Swansea (9th) Bony and Sigurdson; literally the only 2 reasons why this team is anywhere on the top half of the table. They will drop to bottom half by February if Fabianski is still in net.

 -Newcastle (10th) Rounding out this write are the boys from Newcastle; who are currently in search of a new manager because they let Pards go on his merry way. Honest question guys, do you think you’re going to find gold or anything better than Pards with your team and fanbase? I feel like I’m alone in thinking that Pards wasn’t all that bad. Cissé is once again playing above his paygrade so you have that to thank for your top half position. If they can manage a decent transfer window I can see them staying in the top half, but most likely they’ll fuck it up. Best of luck to you at Palace Pards, you will be missed.

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Meanwhile, In the J. League

Well isn’t life just peachy over in Japan? People all around the world are sweating the results from the EPL and La Liga final matches but not these guys. Zero fucks to give down in Japan right now. Literally looks like they’re playing an after-school pickup game. Count em 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 dummies and then the laser rocket Ibra shot into the upper 90. Not bad at all.  Take a bow….(pun?)

 

 

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Here is a Very Important GIF of Podolski Playing Head Tennis with a Sea-Lion

poldi-sea-lion Okay yeah whatever, Manchester City to win the title and blah blah blah; but all I’m caring about today is Lukas Podolski squaring off with this sea-lion in some head tennis. Look at the handle on this sea-lion. Stall city right on his nose! Gotta be at least a 95 control in FIFA 14.

I guess this is how Podol is going to get getting warm for the FA Cup Final and the World Cup? The sea-lion looks like he has Ozil beat in terms for form and fitness so I guess you really can’t blame him.

Fuck City.

Hit em with the music!!

 

 

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Well That Was a Swift Kick to the Balls

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What if Johnson didn’t deflect that first goal? What if Sterling never came off the pitch? What if Countinho had fouled them on the counter? What if Henderson wasn’t suspended for 3 games on a stupid tackle? What if Gerrard didn’t slip last weekend? What if Sturridge scored instead of hitting the post? What if Sakho buried that header in the beginning of the match? WHAT IF LIVERPOOL DIDN’T COMPLETELY JUST SHIT THE MOTHER FUCKING BED?!?!

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For fucks sake it took me almost an entire week to get over Gerrard’s slip-and-fall John Terry moment and this was not what we needed. I literally sat in my cubical awestruck. It was 5pm, and I wasn’t going home. My workphone was ringing, and I wasn’t picking up. Friends were texting me about the result, and I wasn’t texting “Fuck you” back. This one really hurt. Like Patriots losing the Superbowl in 2007 hurt. Now there still is an outside chance that City can lose one of their final two games, but realistically, the seasons over.

Before I go any further, I wanted to touch on something regarding CoTW. I know I haven’t been updating this site with any form of regularity lately, but there were a few sneaky and backdoor reasons for that. First off, work: We have both been bananas busy for the past year and don’t have much cubical time to make any updates. Until we start making some internet money off this site, it ain’t paying any bills. Second, and the sneakier one: Immediately following my last post back on Christmas Eve, Liverpool dropped from the top of the table all the way down to 5th in less than 2 weeks. I wasn’t willing to risk any hoodoo (definitely not using that word properly) or jinx. Maybe I was a little bit too cocky in my post and this was some karma coming back at me? I wasn’t willing to risk it, and on superstition alone, I let the site go dark for 5 months. I did however pay for the URL to stay up because I knew that at the end of the season, I was going to be blogging my tits off once again. And that time has basically come.

Now, getting back to that awful moment earlier this afternoon when the FT whistle blew. Here I am, ready to blow my fucking brains out when out of nowhere I’m hit directly in the face by this little minx.

rlowenbcRebecca Lowe coming in HOT with the aggressive leg placement. I don’t know whether to make a run to the tissue box for my tears or for my love butter. I’m not gonna lie, going from 6 to Midnight immediately after having your heart ripped out is a pretty strange feeling. However, it was right around this moment when I realized that there was in fact, still a God. Now I want to take a moment to thank Rebecca, her legs and all of the other people over at NBC Sports who have made this season one to remember from an American perspective. I will have more on their amazing season coverage later on this week.

But now back to Liverpool. This is one of the strangest feelings that I’ve encountered since I began following the team a while back. Last year if you told me that we would be challenging for the title, would breeze into the Champions League, and that Luis Suarez would not only stay at the club, but tie the EPL goal scoring record, I would have told you to fuck off and leave me alone. But all of that happened. And there is still that slim chance that City will slip up over the next two matches and Pool could do the unthinkable. I mean, this season could have been a whole lot worse, right United Fans?

moyes11Now don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of things that Liverpool really need to focus on in the off-season. At the very top of that list should be their defense. Holy shit I have never seen a defensive back 4 fold like a cheap suit so many times in one season. Why on earth was Rodger’s playing Sakho with Skrtel so many times this season? They have only paired together 17 times, and of those 17, have kept only 1 clean sheet. What the fuck is going on the Agger? All I’ve heard for the past year is that Barca is lining up an offer for him and that B.Rodge doesn’t like his style of play. Really Rodgers? Agger and Skrtel have been holding down the fort since 2008, and this year we decide to mix it up and toss in Sakho and Kolo “lolz” Toure. Now Sakho alone is fine. He’s a solid back and more importantly an excellent back line sub in FIFA 2014. And don’t get me started on Glen “Thunder Touch” Johnson. How many times can an overpaid RB sprint up the line, get the ball, dribble dribble dribble, shit cross and then job back to his defensive position while he watches the opposition score on the counter attack. Jesus Christ. Get him off the team. Literally the only player that was a stud in my opinion on the back line was Jon Flanagan. I freakin love me some Flano.

 

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CotW Vote: Ibra for the Ballon D’Or

ziiiiiiiiHere’s your dose of Ibraporn. With all the talk about the Ballon D’Or award going to either Messi, Ronaldo or Ribery, I wanted to put in the CotW vote for our main man Ibrahimovic. Now, CotW hasn’t been recognized by the corrupted FIFA suits; yet, but we wanted to have our voices heard.

This guy has been a nonstop highlight real for the past year. Sure he might be a little crazy, but we see that as a good thing. It kills me to know that he will sitting in the stands during the World Cup this summer. Enjoy this recap of his sensational 2013 year.

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We’re Back!

Jesus Christ that took a while. It’s been a pretty wild couple of months. Work life finally kicked all three of us in the ass and we’re all 100% cube monkeys for life at this point. But there are some perks to the cube monkey life, one for example, is that during the week of Christmas, you literally just twiddle your thumbs at your desk until its time to go home, but instead of twiddling thumbs, we’re going to troll the living shit out of the past 3 months in the world of footy (mostly EPL because the other leagues, sans the Bundesliga, are for the birds)

Lets take a look at the table….

table 2lolWell well well would you look at that!! Liverpool and Co, the team that I once called a sinking ship, has corrected its path and has left the rest of the EPL in ruins in its wake. Honestly, they are SMASHING IT right now. More to come on this team later, but I’ll leave you with a little taste of whats to come with this Luis Suarez 2013-2014 Goal Compilation, I hope you brought lubriderm and a stack of tissues. (fast forward to the 1:00 to avoid the classic uber gay sentimental euro video editing nerd intro)

Lets take a look at the rest of the EPL. Arsenal, Manchester City and Chelsea are all stacked at the top of the table with Liverpool and at any moment could leapfrog one another. I’m thinking there will be some serious shuffling in the top 4 for the remainder of the season. Manchester City is DANGEROUS right now. A 31 GD going into the Christmas break is absolutely bananas, and they haven’t lost one game at the terrorist funded Etihad Stadium, which will surely change on Boxing Day when the top seeded Red’s come to town. The only thing I’m scared of in that matchup is Kolarov, the guys a fucking psychopath.

And how about Manchester United!! LOLing all over my desk on this one. Looks like Moyes’ Boys have some work cut out for them if the want to make the Europa League next year, let alone the Champions League.

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