Meanwhile, In the J. League

Well isn’t life just peachy over in Japan? People all around the world are sweating the results from the EPL and La Liga final matches but not these guys. Zero fucks to give down in Japan right now. Literally looks like they’re playing an after-school pickup game. Count em 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 dummies and then the laser rocket Ibra shot into the upper 90. Not bad at all.  Take a bow….(pun?)

 

 

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Here is a Very Important GIF of Podolski Playing Head Tennis with a Sea-Lion

poldi-sea-lion Okay yeah whatever, Manchester City to win the title and blah blah blah; but all I’m caring about today is Lukas Podolski squaring off with this sea-lion in some head tennis. Look at the handle on this sea-lion. Stall city right on his nose! Gotta be at least a 95 control in FIFA 14.

I guess this is how Podol is going to get getting warm for the FA Cup Final and the World Cup? The sea-lion looks like he has Ozil beat in terms for form and fitness so I guess you really can’t blame him.

Fuck City.

Hit em with the music!!

 

 

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Well That Was a Swift Kick to the Balls

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What if Johnson didn’t deflect that first goal? What if Sterling never came off the pitch? What if Countinho had fouled them on the counter? What if Henderson wasn’t suspended for 3 games on a stupid tackle? What if Gerrard didn’t slip last weekend? What if Sturridge scored instead of hitting the post? What if Sakho buried that header in the beginning of the match? WHAT IF LIVERPOOL DIDN’T COMPLETELY JUST SHIT THE MOTHER FUCKING BED?!?!

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For fucks sake it took me almost an entire week to get over Gerrard’s slip-and-fall John Terry moment and this was not what we needed. I literally sat in my cubical awestruck. It was 5pm, and I wasn’t going home. My workphone was ringing, and I wasn’t picking up. Friends were texting me about the result, and I wasn’t texting “Fuck you” back. This one really hurt. Like Patriots losing the Superbowl in 2007 hurt. Now there still is an outside chance that City can lose one of their final two games, but realistically, the seasons over.

Before I go any further, I wanted to touch on something regarding CoTW. I know I haven’t been updating this site with any form of regularity lately, but there were a few sneaky and backdoor reasons for that. First off, work: We have both been bananas busy for the past year and don’t have much cubical time to make any updates. Until we start making some internet money off this site, it ain’t paying any bills. Second, and the sneakier one: Immediately following my last post back on Christmas Eve, Liverpool dropped from the top of the table all the way down to 5th in less than 2 weeks. I wasn’t willing to risk any hoodoo (definitely not using that word properly) or jinx. Maybe I was a little bit too cocky in my post and this was some karma coming back at me? I wasn’t willing to risk it, and on superstition alone, I let the site go dark for 5 months. I did however pay for the URL to stay up because I knew that at the end of the season, I was going to be blogging my tits off once again. And that time has basically come.

Now, getting back to that awful moment earlier this afternoon when the FT whistle blew. Here I am, ready to blow my fucking brains out when out of nowhere I’m hit directly in the face by this little minx.

rlowenbcRebecca Lowe coming in HOT with the aggressive leg placement. I don’t know whether to make a run to the tissue box for my tears or for my love butter. I’m not gonna lie, going from 6 to Midnight immediately after having your heart ripped out is a pretty strange feeling. However, it was right around this moment when I realized that there was in fact, still a God. Now I want to take a moment to thank Rebecca, her legs and all of the other people over at NBC Sports who have made this season one to remember from an American perspective. I will have more on their amazing season coverage later on this week.

But now back to Liverpool. This is one of the strangest feelings that I’ve encountered since I began following the team a while back. Last year if you told me that we would be challenging for the title, would breeze into the Champions League, and that Luis Suarez would not only stay at the club, but tie the EPL goal scoring record, I would have told you to fuck off and leave me alone. But all of that happened. And there is still that slim chance that City will slip up over the next two matches and Pool could do the unthinkable. I mean, this season could have been a whole lot worse, right United Fans?

moyes11Now don’t get me wrong, there are a ton of things that Liverpool really need to focus on in the off-season. At the very top of that list should be their defense. Holy shit I have never seen a defensive back 4 fold like a cheap suit so many times in one season. Why on earth was Rodger’s playing Sakho with Skrtel so many times this season? They have only paired together 17 times, and of those 17, have kept only 1 clean sheet. What the fuck is going on the Agger? All I’ve heard for the past year is that Barca is lining up an offer for him and that B.Rodge doesn’t like his style of play. Really Rodgers? Agger and Skrtel have been holding down the fort since 2008, and this year we decide to mix it up and toss in Sakho and Kolo “lolz” Toure. Now Sakho alone is fine. He’s a solid back and more importantly an excellent back line sub in FIFA 2014. And don’t get me started on Glen “Thunder Touch” Johnson. How many times can an overpaid RB sprint up the line, get the ball, dribble dribble dribble, shit cross and then job back to his defensive position while he watches the opposition score on the counter attack. Jesus Christ. Get him off the team. Literally the only player that was a stud in my opinion on the back line was Jon Flanagan. I freakin love me some Flano.

 

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CotW Vote: Ibra for the Ballon D’Or

ziiiiiiiiHere’s your dose of Ibraporn. With all the talk about the Ballon D’Or award going to either Messi, Ronaldo or Ribery, I wanted to put in the CotW vote for our main man Ibrahimovic. Now, CotW hasn’t been recognized by the corrupted FIFA suits; yet, but we wanted to have our voices heard.

This guy has been a nonstop highlight real for the past year. Sure he might be a little crazy, but we see that as a good thing. It kills me to know that he will sitting in the stands during the World Cup this summer. Enjoy this recap of his sensational 2013 year.

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We’re Back!

Jesus Christ that took a while. It’s been a pretty wild couple of months. Work life finally kicked all three of us in the ass and we’re all 100% cube monkeys for life at this point. But there are some perks to the cube monkey life, one for example, is that during the week of Christmas, you literally just twiddle your thumbs at your desk until its time to go home, but instead of twiddling thumbs, we’re going to troll the living shit out of the past 3 months in the world of footy (mostly EPL because the other leagues, sans the Bundesliga, are for the birds)

Lets take a look at the table….

table 2lolWell well well would you look at that!! Liverpool and Co, the team that I once called a sinking ship, has corrected its path and has left the rest of the EPL in ruins in its wake. Honestly, they are SMASHING IT right now. More to come on this team later, but I’ll leave you with a little taste of whats to come with this Luis Suarez 2013-2014 Goal Compilation, I hope you brought lubriderm and a stack of tissues. (fast forward to the 1:00 to avoid the classic uber gay sentimental euro video editing nerd intro)

Lets take a look at the rest of the EPL. Arsenal, Manchester City and Chelsea are all stacked at the top of the table with Liverpool and at any moment could leapfrog one another. I’m thinking there will be some serious shuffling in the top 4 for the remainder of the season. Manchester City is DANGEROUS right now. A 31 GD going into the Christmas break is absolutely bananas, and they haven’t lost one game at the terrorist funded Etihad Stadium, which will surely change on Boxing Day when the top seeded Red’s come to town. The only thing I’m scared of in that matchup is Kolarov, the guys a fucking psychopath.

And how about Manchester United!! LOLing all over my desk on this one. Looks like Moyes’ Boys have some work cut out for them if the want to make the Europa League next year, let alone the Champions League.

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Ibra Single Handedly Brought CotW Back

zlatanDeadspin: The newest exhibition of the Almighty’s omnipotence comes from today’s Champions League match between PSG and Anderlecht. Not content that his previous two goals in the contest elicited the requisite levels of awe, Zlatan decided to unleash upon the globe a third that should cement in our minds his place as deity.

From a fairly slow build up, Marco Veratti finds a deep-lying Ibrahimovic for a pass just into Anderlecht’s half. Ibra spots Maxwell in space out wide and flicks the ball to him. Maxwell attempts a cross onto the surging run of Ezequiel Lavezzi but that is cut out by the Anderlecht defense.

Okay Ibra, fine, I’ll do it. I’ll come out of my lazy ass slumber and blog about how you basically just made the entire planet bust a nut on this ridiculous golazo from today’s Champions League matchup against Anderlecht.

I also came very close to writing the exact same words on Sunday afternoon after he scored this mind fuck goal vs. Bastia, but I got too drunk and then depressed at the Patriots/Jets game to do anything that wasn’t directly involved with moving into the fetal position and having a solid cry.

I guess that you can say that Ibra is having a deeeecent week? Amirite? Aside from the lazershow that he put on in today’s champions league fixture, he scored 3 other goals; no big deal. I feel kinda weird about it, but I’m seriously contemplating getting a long sleeve Ibra PSG kit. Just look at that thing, dripping with sex. Does that make me a bandwagon jumper? Absolutely. Can kind of sell it off as “Oh yeah, I went to Paris once and really fell in love with the city?” Probably not. But do you know what? I couldn’t give two shits. Ibra is so hot right now, Ibra.

PS. Sorry for the month long hiatus.

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Bale looking…uh…

I…really don’t know what to say. Just thought I should share this picture with the COTW community. (As anyone can tell, I hate Bale) Nice purse, Gareth. I legitimately thought this was an ugly chick for a second.

While scrolling for pictures of ‘disgusted monkeys’ to describe how Bale looks, I stumbled upon a picture of me, mirons09, and ajbg at our day to day jobs:

Cube monkeys…FML

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Messi’s gonna Messi

Ridiculous.

In other CL action at the moment, Klopp is ready to murder someone:

…just a slight h/t to Deadspin.

 

UPDATE: THEO WALCOTT HAS OFFICIALLY FIGURED OUT WHERE THE GOAL IS!

 

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Guess that WAG

Haven’t done one of these in a while, but I know you loyal COTW readers love this smut.

Why don’t we stay with the man of the hour…

OZIL FEVER!

Welcome to Mandy Capristo, Ozil’s girlfriend…hope you enjoyed that one.

(@MandyCapristo)

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Ronaldo establishing dominance over Bale early on

Bale looks set to make his Madrid debut, and it appears Cristiano is making sure the monkey (not racist if he’s white, guys) knows his place. From training the other day, a simple keep-away drill resulted in Ronaldo diving at Bale’s ankles the second he got the ball.

Notice everyone playing around, with happy faces, and Ronaldo NOT HAVING IT at all. Maybe he just misses his best pal, Ozil?

Am I trying to stir some shit up when there is nothing there? Probably…but I think we all know it’s going to take quite a while for Bale to fit in at Madrid:

Guys, can I come? Please?

Karim? Marcelo? Guys?

Has nothing to do with anything, just had to throw this in here


Speaking of, how is Ozil doing fitting in with his new teammates?

“Of course we can challenge for the title. This is one the biggest clubs in world.”

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